Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

Since I was recently featured on Care2.com's healthy living initiative, I perused some of the other authors and found one whose former article speaks volumes for the BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself Movement.  Many thanks to Care2.com for allowing us to share the article with our readers.  This is another brave voice for the healing, the awareness and the movement. Enjoy!

Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

By Melanie Bates

This isn’t going to be very funny, or witty, or humorous, my friends, but I still think you’ll relate to my son-of-a-bitch of an inner critic.  In fact, I daresay you have one too – possibly a bit less crass, a bit nicer, but you’ve got one nonetheless.

I’m heading in to surgery the day before my 41st birthday.  While finishing up my last semester of college I found a lump in my throat which I blatantly ignored as I studied for finals, wrote my senior thesis, and waited on the edge of my seat to find out if my Valedictorian nomination would mean I had to give a speech to thousands of kids, twenty-some years younger than I, wearing green gowns and caps with yellow tassels.

While I ignored this lady lump on the surface, my subconscious was busy deciding that I needed to move home to be closer to family.  Everyone in my circle asked after my plans “where will you live?” or “what will you do?” I had no idea and, for the first time in my life, I didn’t see a clear vision of my future or of what I wanted.

Now I know why.

After I settled into my brother’s house with three other adults, four children, and a passel of dogs, my conscious mind told me to get my shit together and deal with the lump.  I went in for tests and was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  (Typically, I adore all things Asian, this. . . not so much.)  I was told I needed an ultrasound and when the technician spent an inordinately long amount of time in the same two spots, and then called in her supervisor, I knew something wasn’t right.  I mean, I know they’re not allowed to tell you anything, and I’m not a rocket scientist, but their faces, mannerisms, and excessive picture taking was clue enough for my dim wit.

After it was confirmed that I had, not one, but a few lady lumps, I was told I needed a biopsy to see if the big “C” was present.  I’m not afraid of needles, per se, but when said needles are mining around in your throat like a jackhammer on a Saturday morn in New York City, it tends to get a bit intense.

Then I waited.  And I waited, and I waited for that path report. For eleven days my Inner Critic and I argued back and forth:

Inner Critic: You have cancer, you git.  It’s all those Nerd Ropes you’ve eaten over the years.  Not to mention the Sunkist Orange soda and countless hours spent in front of the tv playing Zelda.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: Yeah you do, and when you were thirteen you stole a pack of your mom’s cigarettes so you could look cool and twenty-some years later you’re still huffing, trying to look cool inside. Your best friend is a menthol light.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: You’re going to die right after you’ve moved home to be closer to your family.  Look at all those years you were away.  Look at all you missed.  What?  So you could go to a Journey concert and ride on a tractor?  So you could dive out of a plane?  So you could learn to surf and be the only white girl dancing the soul train? So you could finish college with the most marketable degree ever? Ha! English/Creative Writing and Religious Studies?  The recruiters are just lining up, aren’t they?  You’re a selfish bitch.

Me: .  .  .

Inner Critic: You should have never laid out on the trampoline sunbathing with tinfoil under your thighs.  You should have never microwaved your popcorn.

And the dialogue continues.

Then the nurse called.

My lumps were non-diagnostic.  Essentially, in laymen’s terms, they have no unearthly idea if they’re cancerous or not.  So, the doctor recommended a surgeon and I’m to have my thyroid and these lumps removed posthaste.

This isn’t an easy decision for someone who believes in the emotional correlation to physical illness.  My Inner Critic and I had a few choice words over this as well:

Inner Critic: What do you need your thyroid and those lady lumps for? Decoration? A place to hang your scarves?

Me: But what if I can just deal with the emotional issues behind this and get well on my own?

Inner Critic: Who do you think you are? Louise-f*cking-Hay? Why don’t you just write an affirmation on the mirror with that ugly ruby red lipstick you wore last Halloween.  Poof! You’re healed.

Me: I feel like these lumps are a manifestation of the fact that I’m not using my voice.  I’m not writing.

Inner Critic: Well, laddddeeeee-f*cking-dah.

Me: It just feels so circular.  I’m not writing so I’ve developed a health condition that’s screaming at me to use my voice.  I’m not writing BECAUSE I have a health condition that’s affecting my voice.

Inner Critic: Get over yourself Louise, you’ve got lipstick on your teeth.  You’re going to die before you’ve finished your novel and you will have wasted your life and your purpose.

Yup, my Inner Critic is the meanest a-hole I’ve ever encountered.

This is far from over.

Is it just me or does anyone else have a NASTY inner critic?  Is it possible to bring healing to our inner critics? How do you get your inner critic to shut its piehole? Advice wholly welcome.

Thanks again to Melanie Bates and Care2.com. You can read more from Melanie at http://femmetales.com/.
Post your comments, let us know how this resonates with you.   And be kind to yourself!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Want to Go from OK to Awesome?

Thank you Corey for posting this honest comment.  It is wonderful to see that you are being sparked and engaged by this movement.  You speak for many of our readers who are struggling with the same question;

"I know it's not good to be critical of ourselves to the degree that many of us are.  However, isn't self improvement something we should all be striving for, each day of our lives?  I'm not saying that we're not good as we are, but I think that recognizing our innate power to achieve higher heights is one of the things that makes us great.  We have, and should want to exercise, the ability to change ourselves from ok to awesome."

I'm so grateful to Corey for being honest and saying aloud the concerns many people have in the back of their mind's when they hear " Be Kind to Yourself".  It is the challenge of our old way of thinking which says that we need to get more, do more, be more- essentially the result of the core belief, "I am not enough."  Oh yes, I know that one very well.  Been there, done that and I have the tee shirt to prove it :)  I remember clinging to those beliefs even though they clearly didn't work.  It was completely innocent but I had no idea such a belief was running my life.  Thinking that the only way I'd continue to find progress in my life was to berate or criticize myself only fed the core problem- I was disconnected from the true me- the core of who I am that already is everything I think I need to become.  I was never just 'ok' and neither are you.  Hear that?  There is a core within each of us that already is everything that we think we need to become.

The question Corey poses is how do we make sure we are always striving to go "from ok to awesome" and BKTY says you  already are awesome Corey.  You just didn't know it, haven't seen it consistently yet, perhaps are even afraid of your own awesome-ness.  Be kind to yourself does not mean that you remain stagnant and never grow.  In fact, if you try it you'll find that this has just the opposite effect.  You change everything within yourself that stands in the way of expressing your awesomeness.  And you make those changes from Love, from Kindness, because your sole motivation is an understanding that Awesome is what seeks to be expressed as you.

Here's the fact that our critical, judgmental egos want us to ignore:  When I change myself with Love and Kindness, the changes are positive and empowering.  When I change myself by nagging, making myself stupid or thinking that I need 'fixing', the changes are negative and self-defeating.

So Be Kind to Yourself and see how you thrive and grow.  Thanks again Corey, and y'all keep sending in the feedback - it's delicious to be engaged!

Love ya,
Rev. Sala

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BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 

Radical Self Love and Compassion

It's okay...

Put the mean critical voice in your head on an unpaid leave today. It's okay to give it yourself a break.

BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to Radical Self Love and Compassion.

Self Medicate with Kindness

I'm going out on a limb here.  I'm going to reveal how truly passionate and radical I am about this BKTY movement.  Its scary and intimidating but I'm going for it...

I submit that self compassion is the medicine we've all been waiting for. This is the solution to our society's ills- the ones we think of as complicated and permanent like violence, poverty, hunger and many mental illnesses. No, we aren't reinventing the wheel.  Of course it has always been available but as the old saying goes, "Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees." So, I'm saying that being kind to ourselves, self compassion, is the medicinal we all crave for  every disorder from depression to suicide.  There- I've said it and I'm not taking it back.

Here's the breakdown- We humans are all essentially the same.  We have different circumstances but the internal landscape is always the same- rising and falling each day to a mental tape recorder that asks the same questions over and over again.  What am I doing?  Can I really do that?  What will they think of me?  Will I get hurt?  How can I protect myself? Will I have enough?  Am I enough?

Go ahead. Admit it.  Its OK- I know about the mental recorder because I have one too. It doesn't have much faith in me or anything else, it always wants to look good and avoid looking bad.  It is constantly afraid of not having enough money, love, time- you name it.  And it insists on replaying every hurtful event and emotion I've ever experienced in a grave effort to convince me that life is scary and people can't be trusted, most of all myself.  The root of this thinking is holding onto some conclusion I made about myself when I hadn't even hit puberty yet.  When that goes unchecked, many of us continue adding new assumptions about ourselves right on top of that shaky foundation.  Before long we're sabotaging our health, relationships and finances and can't remember why.  The shaky foundation built by a kid becomes our credo-  what we deeply believe to be true about ourselves.

I call the mental recorder EGO and it is a lovely acronym for Edging Good Out. To be fair and clear, we must also understand that we have this faculty as a very efficient protective mechanism whenever things happen that we don't understand, hurt us or threaten our sense of self.  As the soul strengthens and we discover that the ego is not who we are, we can choose to listen or not. Whenever I hear that recorder trying to edge good out, I come back with self compassion.  That's right, ego can't survive in the presence of true love and compassion.  So I lay it on myself big time.  My ego says, "People are really going to think you're crazy.  You'd better shut up."  That's when I look in the mirror and acknowledge the truth, "I am so grateful for my brave, clear soul.  When I speak the truth, those who have eyes to see and ears to hear it will be glad and grateful as well."

It works wonders.

Moreover, it is a skill that builds strength like our body's muscles.  The more you exercise this kindness muscle with yourself, the weaker ego becomes.  Meanwhile you become a self compassionate God or Goddess bringing a brighter, stronger presence everywhere you go.

Try it on!  And tell us about your experience because we believe that you have the power to heal your own fear, self doubt and self criticism which lies at the root of our human dis-eases.  To actually experience kindness and compassion, rather than conceptualizing or talking about it, will make violence, injustice and competition archaic paradigms of the past and virtually impossible to replicate.

Sharing your experiences, whether in ego or Goddess mind, allows your strength and life mastery to grow.  So get your soul exercise on and post those comments today...

We've made it much easier to post comments below- so go for it!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala
The Minister of Self Compassion

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