Can You Forgive Yourself?

So much easier said than done, forgiveness is one of those lofty terms folks like to throw around at Sunday services but rarely dare to practice.  While we are often aware of the need to release our abusers, parents, friends and family members from the vice grip of our steely grievances, the greatest measure of courage is required to release ourselves from those claws of criticism.  Those of us who have found our way to the path of forgiveness have yet to add ourselves to the list of accusers awaiting this reprieve.

Nobody knows the secret grudges we hold against ourselves.  We deny ourselves freedom, peace, love, abundance and even nourishment as silent punitive measure for the lies we've told, the people we've hurt, the failures we've been counting.  To make matters worse, when we hold our misgivings in secret, false beliefs about ourselves form as a result.  All the while, beliefs such as "I am bad, unworthy, dirty or I can't be trusted" become the mantra we live by and try desperately to hide from everyone around us.  The good news is that we each hold the key to our own release from this self imposed imprisonment.

When I recently offered a teary apology to an old acquaintance, it was my husband who reminded me, 'Now you just have to take your own advice and forgive yourself'.  And the longest, hardest road began.  Still I talk to myself daily about my past actions, how embarrassed I am today, how could I have done that, what was I thinking.  The difference today is that I seek more to understand myself and my former actions rather than to judge them.  It reminds me of the serenity prayer which is one of the oldest, simplest and a personal fave.  It asks simply for the ability to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change that which we can and the wisdom to know the difference.  As such, humbly making amends opened the door to a deeper acceptance; finally accepting the inevitable- I cannot change anything that occurred before this moment and holding myself in a vice grip of despair and embarrassment only causes me to lose more moments.

So whatever offense, mistake or harm you've done and secretly hold against yourself playing judge, jury and executioner, consider choosing the path less traveled today.  Consider forgiving yourself, counting yourself as human and allowing yourself as many foibles as everyone else.  Consider accepting the inevitable truth that you cannot change your past and the greater truth- that you don't need to.  In this most powerful now, you only need to release yourself from the clench of punishment in order to move forward in truth, in freedom and in healing.

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

Since I was recently featured on Care2.com's healthy living initiative, I perused some of the other authors and found one whose former article speaks volumes for the BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself Movement.  Many thanks to Care2.com for allowing us to share the article with our readers.  This is another brave voice for the healing, the awareness and the movement. Enjoy!

Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

By Melanie Bates

This isn’t going to be very funny, or witty, or humorous, my friends, but I still think you’ll relate to my son-of-a-bitch of an inner critic.  In fact, I daresay you have one too – possibly a bit less crass, a bit nicer, but you’ve got one nonetheless.

I’m heading in to surgery the day before my 41st birthday.  While finishing up my last semester of college I found a lump in my throat which I blatantly ignored as I studied for finals, wrote my senior thesis, and waited on the edge of my seat to find out if my Valedictorian nomination would mean I had to give a speech to thousands of kids, twenty-some years younger than I, wearing green gowns and caps with yellow tassels.

While I ignored this lady lump on the surface, my subconscious was busy deciding that I needed to move home to be closer to family.  Everyone in my circle asked after my plans “where will you live?” or “what will you do?” I had no idea and, for the first time in my life, I didn’t see a clear vision of my future or of what I wanted.

Now I know why.

After I settled into my brother’s house with three other adults, four children, and a passel of dogs, my conscious mind told me to get my shit together and deal with the lump.  I went in for tests and was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  (Typically, I adore all things Asian, this. . . not so much.)  I was told I needed an ultrasound and when the technician spent an inordinately long amount of time in the same two spots, and then called in her supervisor, I knew something wasn’t right.  I mean, I know they’re not allowed to tell you anything, and I’m not a rocket scientist, but their faces, mannerisms, and excessive picture taking was clue enough for my dim wit.

After it was confirmed that I had, not one, but a few lady lumps, I was told I needed a biopsy to see if the big “C” was present.  I’m not afraid of needles, per se, but when said needles are mining around in your throat like a jackhammer on a Saturday morn in New York City, it tends to get a bit intense.

Then I waited.  And I waited, and I waited for that path report. For eleven days my Inner Critic and I argued back and forth:

Inner Critic: You have cancer, you git.  It’s all those Nerd Ropes you’ve eaten over the years.  Not to mention the Sunkist Orange soda and countless hours spent in front of the tv playing Zelda.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: Yeah you do, and when you were thirteen you stole a pack of your mom’s cigarettes so you could look cool and twenty-some years later you’re still huffing, trying to look cool inside. Your best friend is a menthol light.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: You’re going to die right after you’ve moved home to be closer to your family.  Look at all those years you were away.  Look at all you missed.  What?  So you could go to a Journey concert and ride on a tractor?  So you could dive out of a plane?  So you could learn to surf and be the only white girl dancing the soul train? So you could finish college with the most marketable degree ever? Ha! English/Creative Writing and Religious Studies?  The recruiters are just lining up, aren’t they?  You’re a selfish bitch.

Me: .  .  .

Inner Critic: You should have never laid out on the trampoline sunbathing with tinfoil under your thighs.  You should have never microwaved your popcorn.

And the dialogue continues.

Then the nurse called.

My lumps were non-diagnostic.  Essentially, in laymen’s terms, they have no unearthly idea if they’re cancerous or not.  So, the doctor recommended a surgeon and I’m to have my thyroid and these lumps removed posthaste.

This isn’t an easy decision for someone who believes in the emotional correlation to physical illness.  My Inner Critic and I had a few choice words over this as well:

Inner Critic: What do you need your thyroid and those lady lumps for? Decoration? A place to hang your scarves?

Me: But what if I can just deal with the emotional issues behind this and get well on my own?

Inner Critic: Who do you think you are? Louise-f*cking-Hay? Why don’t you just write an affirmation on the mirror with that ugly ruby red lipstick you wore last Halloween.  Poof! You’re healed.

Me: I feel like these lumps are a manifestation of the fact that I’m not using my voice.  I’m not writing.

Inner Critic: Well, laddddeeeee-f*cking-dah.

Me: It just feels so circular.  I’m not writing so I’ve developed a health condition that’s screaming at me to use my voice.  I’m not writing BECAUSE I have a health condition that’s affecting my voice.

Inner Critic: Get over yourself Louise, you’ve got lipstick on your teeth.  You’re going to die before you’ve finished your novel and you will have wasted your life and your purpose.

Yup, my Inner Critic is the meanest a-hole I’ve ever encountered.

This is far from over.

Is it just me or does anyone else have a NASTY inner critic?  Is it possible to bring healing to our inner critics? How do you get your inner critic to shut its piehole? Advice wholly welcome.

Thanks again to Melanie Bates and Care2.com. You can read more from Melanie at http://femmetales.com/.
Post your comments, let us know how this resonates with you.   And be kind to yourself!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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The Science of Self Compassion

                                                                                                                                                                   

"When you are compassionate with yourself,

you trust your soul, which you let guide your life. 

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny better than you do." 

-John O'Donohue

I don't know about you folks but I like some science to back up my spirituality.  Yes, I'm a minister because I can share what I know to be true from experience not just what I've heard or studied- no airy fairy stuff here.  I love the challenge of mixing in the scientific evidence that merges the fields and reminds us that all truth is essentially one and the same.

So, let's look at the facts behind this movement and the idea of self compassion.  What does that really mean?  It's really very simple; Compassion means to hold someone in your heart. Self compassion is a practice of holding yourself in your own heart. That could sound like intangible stuff, right? It certainly did to me once. Then I began testing my hypothetical self inquiry; What if we tried showing ourselves a little compassion instead of tearing ourselves down? What if we were actually kind to ourselves and believed that we are worthy?  And I saw that there is quite a bit of research supporting the movement and the results I saw personally and in my clients were astounding.

There’s a new field of research that says that self-compassion may be the most important life skill, imparting resilience, courage, energy and creativity.  BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself is the call to deeply know ourselves as the miraculous, sacred souls that we are and the permission to take compelling right actions to nurture and express that True Self in the world.

Just think about it- Due to our overly-competitive society, researchers speculate the tendency to choose self-punishment, rather than self-compassion, is on the rise. People often believe that punishing themselves will keep them in line and ultimately keep them safe.

Oh contraire! Self-criticism can lead to hostility, anxiety, and depression which are issues that can block us from realizing our full potential. Self-critics also report feeling like they have lower energy levels, and often subconsciously engage in self-sabotaging strategies, such as procrastination and overeating.

As for the type A overachievers out there, myself included, let’s just get it out in the open- our most common fear about becoming self-compassionate is that we will become weak willed, it will lower our performance standards and encourage laziness.

Think again- researchers have found that self-compassionate people are actually less likely to sit on the couch all day. All of this might begin to sound like you are indulging yourself, but researchers don't find that at all. People who practice self-compassion tend to have higher standards, work harder and take more personal responsibility for their actions.

So now we have the science to support the spirit.  Why did we ever believe the two were separate anyway??  Don't buy that hype :)  Be kind to yourself.  It's Science, it's Spirit, it Works.


From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Let your True Self Shine

"Something inside you emerges... 
an innate indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness.  
It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence.  
It is what you had been looking for in the love object.  
It is yourself."
Ekhart Tolle

'Nuff said, right?  

Being kind to yourself is the foundation of radical self love and compassion  

That's how you let your True Self shine today.
BKTY people!