Can You Forgive Yourself?

So much easier said than done, forgiveness is one of those lofty terms folks like to throw around at Sunday services but rarely dare to practice.  While we are often aware of the need to release our abusers, parents, friends and family members from the vice grip of our steely grievances, the greatest measure of courage is required to release ourselves from those claws of criticism.  Those of us who have found our way to the path of forgiveness have yet to add ourselves to the list of accusers awaiting this reprieve.

Nobody knows the secret grudges we hold against ourselves.  We deny ourselves freedom, peace, love, abundance and even nourishment as silent punitive measure for the lies we've told, the people we've hurt, the failures we've been counting.  To make matters worse, when we hold our misgivings in secret, false beliefs about ourselves form as a result.  All the while, beliefs such as "I am bad, unworthy, dirty or I can't be trusted" become the mantra we live by and try desperately to hide from everyone around us.  The good news is that we each hold the key to our own release from this self imposed imprisonment.

When I recently offered a teary apology to an old acquaintance, it was my husband who reminded me, 'Now you just have to take your own advice and forgive yourself'.  And the longest, hardest road began.  Still I talk to myself daily about my past actions, how embarrassed I am today, how could I have done that, what was I thinking.  The difference today is that I seek more to understand myself and my former actions rather than to judge them.  It reminds me of the serenity prayer which is one of the oldest, simplest and a personal fave.  It asks simply for the ability to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change that which we can and the wisdom to know the difference.  As such, humbly making amends opened the door to a deeper acceptance; finally accepting the inevitable- I cannot change anything that occurred before this moment and holding myself in a vice grip of despair and embarrassment only causes me to lose more moments.

So whatever offense, mistake or harm you've done and secretly hold against yourself playing judge, jury and executioner, consider choosing the path less traveled today.  Consider forgiving yourself, counting yourself as human and allowing yourself as many foibles as everyone else.  Consider accepting the inevitable truth that you cannot change your past and the greater truth- that you don't need to.  In this most powerful now, you only need to release yourself from the clench of punishment in order to move forward in truth, in freedom and in healing.

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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BKTY for Stress Relief!

Everyone in this world suffers from some form of stress. Whether you wear your stress on your sleeve and keep yourself out of activities or you stifle your stress in some recess of your mind and do not let the world know about it, the fact is that everyone does experience stress. Some people are well equipped to handle and release the stress that they face, while others simply do not have such tools. 

Keep reading. You are going to learn some great secrets here, which if you employ in your lifestyle, you will be taking your life in a whole new direction.

Last week, I spent a day on foot in Manhattan and it was one of the hottest days of the summer yet.  The city was humid, the sun high, bright and beating down on me relentlessly as I walked for miles carrying my heavy bags and water bottle.  A day that I'd planned to be an adventure was quickly turning into a torturous rendezvous and my plans for the evening required that I remain nearby.  Had I insisted on 'thugging it out', proving my strength and solvency under the sun and weight of those bags, I would not have noticed the beautiful respites I eventually found.   Accepting and admitting to myself my increasing discomfort and desire to find relief and quiet amidst the noise and bustle, I sought a church and library and found both within minutes.  In the church, the sanctuary was open, cool, quiet and inviting to all.  Upon placing my bags on the empty benches, I collapsed in my sweaty clothing and began to allow the quiet to soothe me.   It was a moment of compassion for myself, the weary traveler.  And I allowed no judgment to follow.  

Before long, I'd found my way into a quiet meditation and I found myself smiling and feeling filled with appreciation for myself, the day, the church and even the brightness of that summer sun.  Just then, a man entered the church hurriedly as if he were quenching some deep thirst.  My meditation was interrupted so I opened my eyes and they followed him to the front of the sanctuary where I noticed that he seemed intoxicated.  He was not loud but boisterous and his steps were unbalanced, his gestures wide and overstated.  My mind began to judge this until I noticed that he was boldly praying in this inebriated state.  

He placated to the statues, kneeling on the floor and in a conversation with his Higher Power as he gestured overhead and slapped his own chest to indicate his heart opening.  I was immediately overtaken by embarrassment for him- his raw, rough prayer, the lack of elegance and unabashed conversation for all to witness.  And then, as quickly as it came, the embarrassment was replaced with awe.  I humbled myself watching the drunken, unashamed man find soothing comfort for what ailed him regardless of who may be watching and judging him.  He found respite and expressed his love, his sorrow without apology or the slightest attempt to fit in.  

Then, the lesson for me became clear and I thanked him;  Had I the courage that day to pray for myself without judgment and criticism, I too would wave my arms in the air and speak openly to my Source.  I too would have laid the stress and strife down on any altar available to me and be openly, unabashedly kind to myself.  How grateful I am for that teacher.

He helped me to see that I am often holding on to the notion that I am not supposed to be stressed and that to admit that I am experiencing stress is some sign of defeat or weakness. He helped me to find the compassion for my stressed mind and the places it lives in my body so that it can be healed, released and learned from.  I do hope that you will use me, make great use of my lessons and find the same compassion for yourself as you accept and admit your own stress as one of the first steps to healing.  

The truth is that stress cannot be wished away. If you are stressed, you need to take immediate action so that it doesn't impede your progress. Many of us can find a stressful situation more daunting because we are not willing, or have not given ourselves permission to speak up. We need to sit down and accept that we are stressed. This is a very important first step in eliminating the factors that can cause turmoil.

Wishing you acceptance and release!

From my heart to yours,
Rev. Sala

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Am I Good Enough?

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." Steve Furtick

I believe that the BKTY movement resonates strongly with people who are like me.  It does stand to reason that the work I find most authentic is the sharing of a journey I've traveled and now return to share my healing balm with others who face similar battles.  We are people who have become temporarily stuck in our minds, in the ideas and images we've created to aspire to.  Our reasoning is often very legitimate since the tender truth of who we are was disregarded or taken advantage of in the past.  Enough mistakes and disappointments trying to survive as a rabbit in a hound’s world and we began creating a new idea to mold ourselves in the image of; a smarter, faster, stronger version of ourselves.   

I found one major problem with such a strategy- I was unconsciously comparing my 'behind-the scenes' state to other people’s 'highlight reel' which was both unrealistic and unfair to me.  This is where we heady folks get our ideas of perfection which we actually believe to be universal.  And we are so hard on ourselves, we want so badly to succeed, to be happy, to finally 'get it right', that we never stop to notice that other people aren't really so different or better, we just happen to be watching the onstage version of their lives.   When I did this, I was in a fog of critical thinking so I couldn't be fully present in my own life nor could I see the overwhelmingly positive ways I was often affecting other human beings.  While the person I’d become was already enough, I was watching a composite of other people’s highlight reels in my mind and trying desperately to measure up to it.

So our new judgment becomes, "I am not good enough" and the new evidence is our inability to replicate those highlight reels.  That's when it is literally time to get real.  Not as a humorous Three Stooges slap in the face but a quiet, sobering, paying attention to what's really occurring before us rather than the show in our minds.  The next time “Am I good enough?” arises, see how desperate everyone is to 'get it right', see how afraid everybody is to admit that they feel unsafe or weak, to reveal their deepest fears.  Just like us.  Pay attention to the way some people seem to appreciate your presence in their lives even when you aren't doing anything you think of as special.  Just take your hands off the oars for a day or two and let your boat float downstream.  See if someone pretty cool doesn't already emerge as you without the heady ideal to strive towards.  Just see who you are without that judgment, because if you're like me it’s probably been quite a while since you lived without that thought and it becomes pretty hard to remember who you really are. So, here's a nudge; the answer really is YES!!!

From my heart to yours,

                    Rev. Sala

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Wouldn't you like to feel safe?

This movement, BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself espouses practices of self compassion which encourage us  to return to ourselves over and over again with an unconditional love knowing that such a power will overcome anything.  Many of us do not even have the memory of ever experiencing unconditional love from another human being.  Yet to truly accept, love and nurture ourselves we need to cultivate such a possibility  for ourselves within our own hearts.  This is no easy feat.  BKTY was created to guide and support you on that very challenging journey knowing that the experience of self compassion can change the trajectory of countless lives and, in turn, the culture of our society.

The promise of this practice is powerful and simple; Instead of living in a mind that is a battle ground of self doubt and depreciation, we will live in a mind that is primed for generosity, creativity and societal cooperation.  This is the paradigm shift of the human race occurring within the individual consciousness.  But enough of lofty terms for today- I simply leave you with this; as you join this movement and apply the practices of self compassion, at the root of your daily experience, you will begin to feel safe living in your own skin.  Just think for a moment about how seldom you actually feel safe.  That lack of safety causes an avalanche of worry, doubt and fear that rule your moments.  To actually have the moment by moment experience of safety, is a gift that can change the quality of your life forever.  

As a gift to you, we are giving away a FREE Guided Meditation that introduces a short practice that you can use to cultivate self compassion.  Sign up to download the free meditation and enjoy the gift of compassion today- for yourself.  In joy!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Want to Go from OK to Awesome?

Thank you Corey for posting this honest comment.  It is wonderful to see that you are being sparked and engaged by this movement.  You speak for many of our readers who are struggling with the same question;

"I know it's not good to be critical of ourselves to the degree that many of us are.  However, isn't self improvement something we should all be striving for, each day of our lives?  I'm not saying that we're not good as we are, but I think that recognizing our innate power to achieve higher heights is one of the things that makes us great.  We have, and should want to exercise, the ability to change ourselves from ok to awesome."

I'm so grateful to Corey for being honest and saying aloud the concerns many people have in the back of their mind's when they hear " Be Kind to Yourself".  It is the challenge of our old way of thinking which says that we need to get more, do more, be more- essentially the result of the core belief, "I am not enough."  Oh yes, I know that one very well.  Been there, done that and I have the tee shirt to prove it :)  I remember clinging to those beliefs even though they clearly didn't work.  It was completely innocent but I had no idea such a belief was running my life.  Thinking that the only way I'd continue to find progress in my life was to berate or criticize myself only fed the core problem- I was disconnected from the true me- the core of who I am that already is everything I think I need to become.  I was never just 'ok' and neither are you.  Hear that?  There is a core within each of us that already is everything that we think we need to become.

The question Corey poses is how do we make sure we are always striving to go "from ok to awesome" and BKTY says you  already are awesome Corey.  You just didn't know it, haven't seen it consistently yet, perhaps are even afraid of your own awesome-ness.  Be kind to yourself does not mean that you remain stagnant and never grow.  In fact, if you try it you'll find that this has just the opposite effect.  You change everything within yourself that stands in the way of expressing your awesomeness.  And you make those changes from Love, from Kindness, because your sole motivation is an understanding that Awesome is what seeks to be expressed as you.

Here's the fact that our critical, judgmental egos want us to ignore:  When I change myself with Love and Kindness, the changes are positive and empowering.  When I change myself by nagging, making myself stupid or thinking that I need 'fixing', the changes are negative and self-defeating.

So Be Kind to Yourself and see how you thrive and grow.  Thanks again Corey, and y'all keep sending in the feedback - it's delicious to be engaged!

Love ya,
Rev. Sala

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BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 

Radical Self Love and Compassion

Special Spark

When you truly believe that you are a special spark of Life, how do you behave, feel and interact? 

BKTY today.

BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 

Radical Self Love and Compassion.

Get your nap on!

 

Get your nap on!

When we reclaim the well-being we are privy to right now,

we give others the freedom to do the same. BKTY




BKTY
Be Kind to Yourself Movement
www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 
Radical Self Love and Compassion.

It's okay...

Put the mean critical voice in your head on an unpaid leave today. It's okay to give it yourself a break.

BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to Radical Self Love and Compassion.

The Science of Self Compassion

                                                                                                                                                                   

"When you are compassionate with yourself,

you trust your soul, which you let guide your life. 

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny better than you do." 

-John O'Donohue

I don't know about you folks but I like some science to back up my spirituality.  Yes, I'm a minister because I can share what I know to be true from experience not just what I've heard or studied- no airy fairy stuff here.  I love the challenge of mixing in the scientific evidence that merges the fields and reminds us that all truth is essentially one and the same.

So, let's look at the facts behind this movement and the idea of self compassion.  What does that really mean?  It's really very simple; Compassion means to hold someone in your heart. Self compassion is a practice of holding yourself in your own heart. That could sound like intangible stuff, right? It certainly did to me once. Then I began testing my hypothetical self inquiry; What if we tried showing ourselves a little compassion instead of tearing ourselves down? What if we were actually kind to ourselves and believed that we are worthy?  And I saw that there is quite a bit of research supporting the movement and the results I saw personally and in my clients were astounding.

There’s a new field of research that says that self-compassion may be the most important life skill, imparting resilience, courage, energy and creativity.  BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself is the call to deeply know ourselves as the miraculous, sacred souls that we are and the permission to take compelling right actions to nurture and express that True Self in the world.

Just think about it- Due to our overly-competitive society, researchers speculate the tendency to choose self-punishment, rather than self-compassion, is on the rise. People often believe that punishing themselves will keep them in line and ultimately keep them safe.

Oh contraire! Self-criticism can lead to hostility, anxiety, and depression which are issues that can block us from realizing our full potential. Self-critics also report feeling like they have lower energy levels, and often subconsciously engage in self-sabotaging strategies, such as procrastination and overeating.

As for the type A overachievers out there, myself included, let’s just get it out in the open- our most common fear about becoming self-compassionate is that we will become weak willed, it will lower our performance standards and encourage laziness.

Think again- researchers have found that self-compassionate people are actually less likely to sit on the couch all day. All of this might begin to sound like you are indulging yourself, but researchers don't find that at all. People who practice self-compassion tend to have higher standards, work harder and take more personal responsibility for their actions.

So now we have the science to support the spirit.  Why did we ever believe the two were separate anyway??  Don't buy that hype :)  Be kind to yourself.  It's Science, it's Spirit, it Works.


From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Hey folks!  Today is Day 1 of our BKTY 10 day Challenge and I am completely psyched!  You all probably have your eBooks by now.  If you don't have one, click here to pop over to the site and grab one.

You'll get a kick out of the way the universe called me into living today's challenge.  Here I am the ring leader of this whole movement, right?  And I'm supposed to be conscious every minute and catch my own self criticism and judgment, right?  And certainly always living the message, right?  Well, the Universe said, “Not so much today sweetie".  

I wake up this morning, stretch, do my meditation and bowing practice, feeling energized, embodied and amazing.  And I go into the bathroom to wash my face but first I  look up into the mirror.  Ofcourse I knew that today we are practicing engaging ourselves in the mirror with eye contact and extending an authentic smile to ourselves.  So I intended to smile as if it were the first time- you know, the way I encourage everyone else to do it.  

Wouldn't you know it, I had eye contact in the mirror and my attention was instantly hijacked by a plump, juicy zit.  Yep, right on the bridge of my nose, right between the eyes!  If that isn't a grain of sand in my spiritual oyster shell I don't what is. I’ll be honest with you, my knee jerk reaction was not so conscious and kind to myself.  Nope, for a second there I just exclaimed, "Where the heck did that come from?"

But here's how I make a pearl with every grain of sand; I caught my own gaze again, hear myself and burst out laughing.  Humor is healing.  I can't take myself too seriously and neither should you.  Or we risk ending up in that old ego grip of self judgment again and we get no pearl, no truth about who we really are.  You see?  So I LOL’ed at myself and then I got back on the horse.  Looking into these baby brown eyes and smiling at who- not what- I saw in the mirror.

“Your reflection does not define your worth!”

Yes, I know today's challenge won't be easy for most of us.  So just let it out.  LOL, holler or jump up and down.  And then re-engage yourself, your own reflection and extend that smile to yourself.

Post a comment and tell us how it felt for you today.  Please don't leave me hanging out here!

Make your pearl today,

Rev. Sala

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Not Enough. Not Doing Enough. Don't have Enough. Say What??

Somebody raise both hands and post a comment if you can find yourself in this story.  I'll call myself out first...

Recently I've been writing a book in all of my "spare" time.  My writing group calls it a literary memoir and, in order for my story to add value to other people's lives, the chapters of the book have to really delve into some of the hard experiences in my past.  It’s important stuff to include since the purpose of the book is really to share the powerful healing and transformation I experienced.  Sounds pretty good, right?

Well, the problem arose when I traveled back to times when I felt helpless, depressed or just plain crazy and I had a very hard time coming back and getting grounded again.  I don't usually live in my story because it isn't who I am.  Although I was led to share my transformation and lessons of discovery, I wasn’t fully prepared for the resurgence of self-criticism that came over me during the writing process.  Before I knew it, my writing came to a complete standstill.  Then I believed that I had so many other things to do besides writing the book.  I busied myself with being busy while disappointment began to pile right on top of the secret judgment that had already been growing in my mind.

What a whirlwind I created in a matter of hours!  Outwardly, very little time had passed but my internal world was gridlocked. Fortunately, this effect of my book writing process called me to practice what I preach in a new way- a way I otherwise would not have known that I needed.  Instead of the vast transformations of the past, this was more like maintenance work in the garden of my mind.  I was called to go within until I finally caught the weed.   My weed was the thought, "I am not enough.  I am not doing enough.  I don't have enough."  That was it!

There I was sitting in a silent meditation when I caught it and my eyes flew open instantly as I drew a gasping breath.  Wow.  That's a huge weed.  Have I been listening to that?  Believing that in any way shape or form? No wonder I was so stuck and creatively blocked all of a sudden!  I returned to alignment quicker than before but I was reminded of a huge lesson in that recent experience.

We are never done with the maintenance and care of our minds.

We are never done with the maintenance and care of our bodies.

We are never done with the work of staying true and aligned with our souls.

As long as the words, "I am not enough. I am not doing enough. or I don't have enough." resonate with us in any way, shape or form, we are not done Realizing the Truth of our Being.

Limitless.  Formless. Bountiful. Beautiful. Essence.  This is what I truly am.  This is what you truly are.  Let's remember together.  BKTY-  Now that's the movement.

Don't leave me hanging folks.  Post your comments.  That's the way we grow the truth, the message and the movement!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

Self Medicate with Kindness

I'm going out on a limb here.  I'm going to reveal how truly passionate and radical I am about this BKTY movement.  Its scary and intimidating but I'm going for it...

I submit that self compassion is the medicine we've all been waiting for. This is the solution to our society's ills- the ones we think of as complicated and permanent like violence, poverty, hunger and many mental illnesses. No, we aren't reinventing the wheel.  Of course it has always been available but as the old saying goes, "Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees." So, I'm saying that being kind to ourselves, self compassion, is the medicinal we all crave for  every disorder from depression to suicide.  There- I've said it and I'm not taking it back.

Here's the breakdown- We humans are all essentially the same.  We have different circumstances but the internal landscape is always the same- rising and falling each day to a mental tape recorder that asks the same questions over and over again.  What am I doing?  Can I really do that?  What will they think of me?  Will I get hurt?  How can I protect myself? Will I have enough?  Am I enough?

Go ahead. Admit it.  Its OK- I know about the mental recorder because I have one too. It doesn't have much faith in me or anything else, it always wants to look good and avoid looking bad.  It is constantly afraid of not having enough money, love, time- you name it.  And it insists on replaying every hurtful event and emotion I've ever experienced in a grave effort to convince me that life is scary and people can't be trusted, most of all myself.  The root of this thinking is holding onto some conclusion I made about myself when I hadn't even hit puberty yet.  When that goes unchecked, many of us continue adding new assumptions about ourselves right on top of that shaky foundation.  Before long we're sabotaging our health, relationships and finances and can't remember why.  The shaky foundation built by a kid becomes our credo-  what we deeply believe to be true about ourselves.

I call the mental recorder EGO and it is a lovely acronym for Edging Good Out. To be fair and clear, we must also understand that we have this faculty as a very efficient protective mechanism whenever things happen that we don't understand, hurt us or threaten our sense of self.  As the soul strengthens and we discover that the ego is not who we are, we can choose to listen or not. Whenever I hear that recorder trying to edge good out, I come back with self compassion.  That's right, ego can't survive in the presence of true love and compassion.  So I lay it on myself big time.  My ego says, "People are really going to think you're crazy.  You'd better shut up."  That's when I look in the mirror and acknowledge the truth, "I am so grateful for my brave, clear soul.  When I speak the truth, those who have eyes to see and ears to hear it will be glad and grateful as well."

It works wonders.

Moreover, it is a skill that builds strength like our body's muscles.  The more you exercise this kindness muscle with yourself, the weaker ego becomes.  Meanwhile you become a self compassionate God or Goddess bringing a brighter, stronger presence everywhere you go.

Try it on!  And tell us about your experience because we believe that you have the power to heal your own fear, self doubt and self criticism which lies at the root of our human dis-eases.  To actually experience kindness and compassion, rather than conceptualizing or talking about it, will make violence, injustice and competition archaic paradigms of the past and virtually impossible to replicate.

Sharing your experiences, whether in ego or Goddess mind, allows your strength and life mastery to grow.  So get your soul exercise on and post those comments today...

We've made it much easier to post comments below- so go for it!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala
The Minister of Self Compassion

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