Can You Forgive Yourself?

So much easier said than done, forgiveness is one of those lofty terms folks like to throw around at Sunday services but rarely dare to practice.  While we are often aware of the need to release our abusers, parents, friends and family members from the vice grip of our steely grievances, the greatest measure of courage is required to release ourselves from those claws of criticism.  Those of us who have found our way to the path of forgiveness have yet to add ourselves to the list of accusers awaiting this reprieve.

Nobody knows the secret grudges we hold against ourselves.  We deny ourselves freedom, peace, love, abundance and even nourishment as silent punitive measure for the lies we've told, the people we've hurt, the failures we've been counting.  To make matters worse, when we hold our misgivings in secret, false beliefs about ourselves form as a result.  All the while, beliefs such as "I am bad, unworthy, dirty or I can't be trusted" become the mantra we live by and try desperately to hide from everyone around us.  The good news is that we each hold the key to our own release from this self imposed imprisonment.

When I recently offered a teary apology to an old acquaintance, it was my husband who reminded me, 'Now you just have to take your own advice and forgive yourself'.  And the longest, hardest road began.  Still I talk to myself daily about my past actions, how embarrassed I am today, how could I have done that, what was I thinking.  The difference today is that I seek more to understand myself and my former actions rather than to judge them.  It reminds me of the serenity prayer which is one of the oldest, simplest and a personal fave.  It asks simply for the ability to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change that which we can and the wisdom to know the difference.  As such, humbly making amends opened the door to a deeper acceptance; finally accepting the inevitable- I cannot change anything that occurred before this moment and holding myself in a vice grip of despair and embarrassment only causes me to lose more moments.

So whatever offense, mistake or harm you've done and secretly hold against yourself playing judge, jury and executioner, consider choosing the path less traveled today.  Consider forgiving yourself, counting yourself as human and allowing yourself as many foibles as everyone else.  Consider accepting the inevitable truth that you cannot change your past and the greater truth- that you don't need to.  In this most powerful now, you only need to release yourself from the clench of punishment in order to move forward in truth, in freedom and in healing.

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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BKTY for Stress Relief!

Everyone in this world suffers from some form of stress. Whether you wear your stress on your sleeve and keep yourself out of activities or you stifle your stress in some recess of your mind and do not let the world know about it, the fact is that everyone does experience stress. Some people are well equipped to handle and release the stress that they face, while others simply do not have such tools. 

Keep reading. You are going to learn some great secrets here, which if you employ in your lifestyle, you will be taking your life in a whole new direction.

Last week, I spent a day on foot in Manhattan and it was one of the hottest days of the summer yet.  The city was humid, the sun high, bright and beating down on me relentlessly as I walked for miles carrying my heavy bags and water bottle.  A day that I'd planned to be an adventure was quickly turning into a torturous rendezvous and my plans for the evening required that I remain nearby.  Had I insisted on 'thugging it out', proving my strength and solvency under the sun and weight of those bags, I would not have noticed the beautiful respites I eventually found.   Accepting and admitting to myself my increasing discomfort and desire to find relief and quiet amidst the noise and bustle, I sought a church and library and found both within minutes.  In the church, the sanctuary was open, cool, quiet and inviting to all.  Upon placing my bags on the empty benches, I collapsed in my sweaty clothing and began to allow the quiet to soothe me.   It was a moment of compassion for myself, the weary traveler.  And I allowed no judgment to follow.  

Before long, I'd found my way into a quiet meditation and I found myself smiling and feeling filled with appreciation for myself, the day, the church and even the brightness of that summer sun.  Just then, a man entered the church hurriedly as if he were quenching some deep thirst.  My meditation was interrupted so I opened my eyes and they followed him to the front of the sanctuary where I noticed that he seemed intoxicated.  He was not loud but boisterous and his steps were unbalanced, his gestures wide and overstated.  My mind began to judge this until I noticed that he was boldly praying in this inebriated state.  

He placated to the statues, kneeling on the floor and in a conversation with his Higher Power as he gestured overhead and slapped his own chest to indicate his heart opening.  I was immediately overtaken by embarrassment for him- his raw, rough prayer, the lack of elegance and unabashed conversation for all to witness.  And then, as quickly as it came, the embarrassment was replaced with awe.  I humbled myself watching the drunken, unashamed man find soothing comfort for what ailed him regardless of who may be watching and judging him.  He found respite and expressed his love, his sorrow without apology or the slightest attempt to fit in.  

Then, the lesson for me became clear and I thanked him;  Had I the courage that day to pray for myself without judgment and criticism, I too would wave my arms in the air and speak openly to my Source.  I too would have laid the stress and strife down on any altar available to me and be openly, unabashedly kind to myself.  How grateful I am for that teacher.

He helped me to see that I am often holding on to the notion that I am not supposed to be stressed and that to admit that I am experiencing stress is some sign of defeat or weakness. He helped me to find the compassion for my stressed mind and the places it lives in my body so that it can be healed, released and learned from.  I do hope that you will use me, make great use of my lessons and find the same compassion for yourself as you accept and admit your own stress as one of the first steps to healing.  

The truth is that stress cannot be wished away. If you are stressed, you need to take immediate action so that it doesn't impede your progress. Many of us can find a stressful situation more daunting because we are not willing, or have not given ourselves permission to speak up. We need to sit down and accept that we are stressed. This is a very important first step in eliminating the factors that can cause turmoil.

Wishing you acceptance and release!

From my heart to yours,
Rev. Sala

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Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

Since I was recently featured on Care2.com's healthy living initiative, I perused some of the other authors and found one whose former article speaks volumes for the BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself Movement.  Many thanks to Care2.com for allowing us to share the article with our readers.  This is another brave voice for the healing, the awareness and the movement. Enjoy!

Can You Heal Your Inner Critic?

By Melanie Bates

This isn’t going to be very funny, or witty, or humorous, my friends, but I still think you’ll relate to my son-of-a-bitch of an inner critic.  In fact, I daresay you have one too – possibly a bit less crass, a bit nicer, but you’ve got one nonetheless.

I’m heading in to surgery the day before my 41st birthday.  While finishing up my last semester of college I found a lump in my throat which I blatantly ignored as I studied for finals, wrote my senior thesis, and waited on the edge of my seat to find out if my Valedictorian nomination would mean I had to give a speech to thousands of kids, twenty-some years younger than I, wearing green gowns and caps with yellow tassels.

While I ignored this lady lump on the surface, my subconscious was busy deciding that I needed to move home to be closer to family.  Everyone in my circle asked after my plans “where will you live?” or “what will you do?” I had no idea and, for the first time in my life, I didn’t see a clear vision of my future or of what I wanted.

Now I know why.

After I settled into my brother’s house with three other adults, four children, and a passel of dogs, my conscious mind told me to get my shit together and deal with the lump.  I went in for tests and was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  (Typically, I adore all things Asian, this. . . not so much.)  I was told I needed an ultrasound and when the technician spent an inordinately long amount of time in the same two spots, and then called in her supervisor, I knew something wasn’t right.  I mean, I know they’re not allowed to tell you anything, and I’m not a rocket scientist, but their faces, mannerisms, and excessive picture taking was clue enough for my dim wit.

After it was confirmed that I had, not one, but a few lady lumps, I was told I needed a biopsy to see if the big “C” was present.  I’m not afraid of needles, per se, but when said needles are mining around in your throat like a jackhammer on a Saturday morn in New York City, it tends to get a bit intense.

Then I waited.  And I waited, and I waited for that path report. For eleven days my Inner Critic and I argued back and forth:

Inner Critic: You have cancer, you git.  It’s all those Nerd Ropes you’ve eaten over the years.  Not to mention the Sunkist Orange soda and countless hours spent in front of the tv playing Zelda.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: Yeah you do, and when you were thirteen you stole a pack of your mom’s cigarettes so you could look cool and twenty-some years later you’re still huffing, trying to look cool inside. Your best friend is a menthol light.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Inner Critic: You’re going to die right after you’ve moved home to be closer to your family.  Look at all those years you were away.  Look at all you missed.  What?  So you could go to a Journey concert and ride on a tractor?  So you could dive out of a plane?  So you could learn to surf and be the only white girl dancing the soul train? So you could finish college with the most marketable degree ever? Ha! English/Creative Writing and Religious Studies?  The recruiters are just lining up, aren’t they?  You’re a selfish bitch.

Me: .  .  .

Inner Critic: You should have never laid out on the trampoline sunbathing with tinfoil under your thighs.  You should have never microwaved your popcorn.

And the dialogue continues.

Then the nurse called.

My lumps were non-diagnostic.  Essentially, in laymen’s terms, they have no unearthly idea if they’re cancerous or not.  So, the doctor recommended a surgeon and I’m to have my thyroid and these lumps removed posthaste.

This isn’t an easy decision for someone who believes in the emotional correlation to physical illness.  My Inner Critic and I had a few choice words over this as well:

Inner Critic: What do you need your thyroid and those lady lumps for? Decoration? A place to hang your scarves?

Me: But what if I can just deal with the emotional issues behind this and get well on my own?

Inner Critic: Who do you think you are? Louise-f*cking-Hay? Why don’t you just write an affirmation on the mirror with that ugly ruby red lipstick you wore last Halloween.  Poof! You’re healed.

Me: I feel like these lumps are a manifestation of the fact that I’m not using my voice.  I’m not writing.

Inner Critic: Well, laddddeeeee-f*cking-dah.

Me: It just feels so circular.  I’m not writing so I’ve developed a health condition that’s screaming at me to use my voice.  I’m not writing BECAUSE I have a health condition that’s affecting my voice.

Inner Critic: Get over yourself Louise, you’ve got lipstick on your teeth.  You’re going to die before you’ve finished your novel and you will have wasted your life and your purpose.

Yup, my Inner Critic is the meanest a-hole I’ve ever encountered.

This is far from over.

Is it just me or does anyone else have a NASTY inner critic?  Is it possible to bring healing to our inner critics? How do you get your inner critic to shut its piehole? Advice wholly welcome.

Thanks again to Melanie Bates and Care2.com. You can read more from Melanie at http://femmetales.com/.
Post your comments, let us know how this resonates with you.   And be kind to yourself!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Am I Good Enough?

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." Steve Furtick

I believe that the BKTY movement resonates strongly with people who are like me.  It does stand to reason that the work I find most authentic is the sharing of a journey I've traveled and now return to share my healing balm with others who face similar battles.  We are people who have become temporarily stuck in our minds, in the ideas and images we've created to aspire to.  Our reasoning is often very legitimate since the tender truth of who we are was disregarded or taken advantage of in the past.  Enough mistakes and disappointments trying to survive as a rabbit in a hound’s world and we began creating a new idea to mold ourselves in the image of; a smarter, faster, stronger version of ourselves.   

I found one major problem with such a strategy- I was unconsciously comparing my 'behind-the scenes' state to other people’s 'highlight reel' which was both unrealistic and unfair to me.  This is where we heady folks get our ideas of perfection which we actually believe to be universal.  And we are so hard on ourselves, we want so badly to succeed, to be happy, to finally 'get it right', that we never stop to notice that other people aren't really so different or better, we just happen to be watching the onstage version of their lives.   When I did this, I was in a fog of critical thinking so I couldn't be fully present in my own life nor could I see the overwhelmingly positive ways I was often affecting other human beings.  While the person I’d become was already enough, I was watching a composite of other people’s highlight reels in my mind and trying desperately to measure up to it.

So our new judgment becomes, "I am not good enough" and the new evidence is our inability to replicate those highlight reels.  That's when it is literally time to get real.  Not as a humorous Three Stooges slap in the face but a quiet, sobering, paying attention to what's really occurring before us rather than the show in our minds.  The next time “Am I good enough?” arises, see how desperate everyone is to 'get it right', see how afraid everybody is to admit that they feel unsafe or weak, to reveal their deepest fears.  Just like us.  Pay attention to the way some people seem to appreciate your presence in their lives even when you aren't doing anything you think of as special.  Just take your hands off the oars for a day or two and let your boat float downstream.  See if someone pretty cool doesn't already emerge as you without the heady ideal to strive towards.  Just see who you are without that judgment, because if you're like me it’s probably been quite a while since you lived without that thought and it becomes pretty hard to remember who you really are. So, here's a nudge; the answer really is YES!!!

From my heart to yours,

                    Rev. Sala

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Wouldn't you like to feel safe?

This movement, BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself espouses practices of self compassion which encourage us  to return to ourselves over and over again with an unconditional love knowing that such a power will overcome anything.  Many of us do not even have the memory of ever experiencing unconditional love from another human being.  Yet to truly accept, love and nurture ourselves we need to cultivate such a possibility  for ourselves within our own hearts.  This is no easy feat.  BKTY was created to guide and support you on that very challenging journey knowing that the experience of self compassion can change the trajectory of countless lives and, in turn, the culture of our society.

The promise of this practice is powerful and simple; Instead of living in a mind that is a battle ground of self doubt and depreciation, we will live in a mind that is primed for generosity, creativity and societal cooperation.  This is the paradigm shift of the human race occurring within the individual consciousness.  But enough of lofty terms for today- I simply leave you with this; as you join this movement and apply the practices of self compassion, at the root of your daily experience, you will begin to feel safe living in your own skin.  Just think for a moment about how seldom you actually feel safe.  That lack of safety causes an avalanche of worry, doubt and fear that rule your moments.  To actually have the moment by moment experience of safety, is a gift that can change the quality of your life forever.  

As a gift to you, we are giving away a FREE Guided Meditation that introduces a short practice that you can use to cultivate self compassion.  Sign up to download the free meditation and enjoy the gift of compassion today- for yourself.  In joy!

From my heart to yours,

Rev. Sala

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Want to Go from OK to Awesome?

Thank you Corey for posting this honest comment.  It is wonderful to see that you are being sparked and engaged by this movement.  You speak for many of our readers who are struggling with the same question;

"I know it's not good to be critical of ourselves to the degree that many of us are.  However, isn't self improvement something we should all be striving for, each day of our lives?  I'm not saying that we're not good as we are, but I think that recognizing our innate power to achieve higher heights is one of the things that makes us great.  We have, and should want to exercise, the ability to change ourselves from ok to awesome."

I'm so grateful to Corey for being honest and saying aloud the concerns many people have in the back of their mind's when they hear " Be Kind to Yourself".  It is the challenge of our old way of thinking which says that we need to get more, do more, be more- essentially the result of the core belief, "I am not enough."  Oh yes, I know that one very well.  Been there, done that and I have the tee shirt to prove it :)  I remember clinging to those beliefs even though they clearly didn't work.  It was completely innocent but I had no idea such a belief was running my life.  Thinking that the only way I'd continue to find progress in my life was to berate or criticize myself only fed the core problem- I was disconnected from the true me- the core of who I am that already is everything I think I need to become.  I was never just 'ok' and neither are you.  Hear that?  There is a core within each of us that already is everything that we think we need to become.

The question Corey poses is how do we make sure we are always striving to go "from ok to awesome" and BKTY says you  already are awesome Corey.  You just didn't know it, haven't seen it consistently yet, perhaps are even afraid of your own awesome-ness.  Be kind to yourself does not mean that you remain stagnant and never grow.  In fact, if you try it you'll find that this has just the opposite effect.  You change everything within yourself that stands in the way of expressing your awesomeness.  And you make those changes from Love, from Kindness, because your sole motivation is an understanding that Awesome is what seeks to be expressed as you.

Here's the fact that our critical, judgmental egos want us to ignore:  When I change myself with Love and Kindness, the changes are positive and empowering.  When I change myself by nagging, making myself stupid or thinking that I need 'fixing', the changes are negative and self-defeating.

So Be Kind to Yourself and see how you thrive and grow.  Thanks again Corey, and y'all keep sending in the feedback - it's delicious to be engaged!

Love ya,
Rev. Sala

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BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 

Radical Self Love and Compassion

Imagine...

Imagine scooping up thoughts of self-doubt and criticism with a bubble wand and gently waving them into the air. Watch them drift away...

BKTY

Be Kind to Yourself Movement

www.BKTY.info

Inspiring the world to make the shift from self-criticism to 

Radical Self Love and Compassion.